Profile Update
by Sage of Mudora
Summary: Carl the Intern wears a lot of hats at the OWCA. Naturally some responsibilities are a bit more fun than others. The tedious and sometimes disgusting job of maintaining surveillance on the DEI Building is brightened by one hilarious chore: keeping tabs on updates to Strudelcutie4427's online dating profile.


Carl Karl was typically the first person to enter OWCA headquarters in the morning. Alone with the animals who worked various night shifts, he was able to get a lot done and ensure that everything was prepared for when Major Monogram rolled in at 8:15. The intern had to tidy up, make the coffee, deliver memos, check the blogosphere for any suspicious activities that may have occurred after he left the building at 11:15 the evening before, oil the main tubing network, double and triple check the Major's schedule, update the firewall on the security system, and spray for fleas.

Carl didn't mind showing up at 4:30 in the morning if it meant he might make Major Monogram proud.

Office workers often found joy in finding little, unusual jobs to fit into their routines as tiny rewards for dealing with nonsense all the time, and Carl was no exception. This wasn't just _any _old 4:45 in the morning; this was 4:45 on a _Saturday_ morning! This meant that, before sorting through all the intelligence gathered on the mail and trash of evil scientists and looking through security cam footage for any evil highlights, Carl would take fifteen minutes to sit back, relax, and read through _Strudelcutie4427's _online dating profile.

Well, more than read. Carl had the power to hack into the account and view private messages and personal settings. He took full advantage of those capabilities.

He wasn't wasting company time. No, no he wasn't. What if Dr. Doofenshmirtz decided to reveal some fiendish plot to an innocent woman? Well then, everyone would have Carl Karl to thank for saving the day! In the meantime, the redhead would keep quiet and have a bit of fun. Where was the harm in that?

Knowing that the Drusselsteinian scientist would be furious if he knew about this breach of security made it all the more exhilarating. It was Dr. Doofenshmirtz's own fault. When he had signed the contract with the OWCA during his application for a nemesis, Dr. Doofenshmirtz had missed the (deliberately) fine print about the installment of 24 hour surveillance and the legal protection of normally unlawful searches and invasions of privacy. It wasn't Carl's fault the man couldn't read a legal document.

Every year during a "refresher" seminar, Major Monogram would remind Agent P that it was against OWCA regulations for the monotreme to inform the scientist of that part of the contract.

As Doofenshmirtz's nemesis, Agent P had the right to view any intelligence collected on the scientist. He typically refused to do so unless he needed information directly tied to a mission, and the platypus always insisted that he only view relevant material. This didn't stop Carl from reminding Agent P of his rights from time to time.

"Hey Agent P, Dr. Doofenshmirtz has set up an online dating profile and I thought you might be interested in taking a peak!"

The intern maintained to this day that the glare he had received was uncalled for.

Carl had chosen to view the profile on Saturday mornings because that was when change was most likely to have occurred. Doofenshmirtz tended to schedule dates on the Fridays when he didn't have custody of his daughter. After the inevitable failure, he almost always immediately hopped online to make modifications to his account. With each tweak, the scientist hoped to come one step closer to creating the perfect profile that would attract the perfect person for his taste.

The intern had to admire the man's persistence.

The biggest change to the profile had occurred before Doofenshmirtz had even gone on his first date. When the account was first set up, the word "evil" had appeared 158 times. Doofenshmirtz had waxed poetic about his evil doctorate, listed a few of his evil inventions that had almost succeeded, rambled about his evil philosophy, and pleaded for any woman in the Tri-State Area interested in evil to please, please give him a chance.

The responses had been frightening even by evil scientist standards, and Doofenshmirtz had removed all mentions of the word by the following day.

Doofenshmirtz's profile picture was the tropical image that had been taken on the first day Agent P had been assigned as the man's nemesis. Next to it was basic information- things like Age, Sex (one week, the scientist had used the old joke "Yes, please," in this spot!), Occupation, Interested in, and other things of that nature.

Underneath was a small photo gallery. There were a few "candid" shots of Doofenshmirtz doing "desirable" things like like cooking, lifting obviously mislabeled weights, and working with tools in his lab. Most of the other pictures featured Doofenshmirtz posing with his (usually frowning) daughter at various ages.

The next bit was one of Carl's favorites. In the first text box available, Doofenshmirtz had taken the time to create a long list of things he despised. Many of the items listed were ordinary enough; things like people who talked in the movie theater or third degree burns. These entries were followed by things that were oddly specific, like months with five Mondays, people who liked whales, foreign films with subtitles, and underwater welders. Then came the bizarre: seagulls, trapezoids, disposable razors, blunderbusses, songs about the moon, pretzels, pants with two buttons, sun lotion with an SPF under 50- the list went on and on and on. It was expanded weekly.

The following text box was devoted to his daughter Vanessa. Here Dr. Doofenshmirtz described in loving detail his daughter's interests and favorite activities. He explained how often he got to see his child and that he wouldn't schedule a first date on those evenings. The paragraph ended with Doofenshmirtz delivering the stern warning that if a potential date had no interest in working to create a good relationship with his little girl, he was not interested in working to build a good relationship with _them_. People who had no desire to meet Vanessa if things went well with the scientist need not apply.

At least three-fourths of the private messages Doofenshmirtz received were from men. The messages followed the same basic format, "I'm not interested in you, but I think your daughter is a babe. Could you send her number or e-mail address so we can hook up?" Of course, most of the messages weren't worded so mildly. Some were rather raunchy. Doofenshmirtz responded to each one with a unique, all caps flame that threatened to kill the sender if he ever contacted him or his baby girl again.

Carl had always found it disconcerting that a villain could be such a doting father. It was odd and endearing, and Carl didn't like to think of evil people that way. The world was supposed to be black-and-white.

Besides, Doofenshmirtz's desire to over-protect seemed to be rubbing off on Agent P. The day after the monotreme had discovered that his nemesis had a daughter, Agent P had submitted a surprisingly eloquent written request that all surveillance cameras be removed from areas in the DEI Building that belonged to the child, specifically her bedroom and private bath. He had used two arguments. One, that the thirteen year old girl was not evil and, two, that the young girl had never signed a contract granting the OWCA a right to invade her privacy. He had insisted that the father's consent should not automatically be applied to the minor. After several appeals and a lot of red tape, the request had been approved and an operative had been sent in to remove the cameras from the designated locations.

"Operative" in this case meaning Carl.

Sometimes the intern suspected that Agent P had tipped the girl off to the rest of the building being bugged. She only wore her pajamas outside of her room when her father set off the fire alarm, and she never did anything remotely immodest even when she was alone. Sometimes when in a room by herself, Vanessa would peer into odd corners as if searching for something. Carl didn't care and it didn't really matter, so he never bothered reporting the possible infraction to Major Monogram. It wasn't like there was really any proof.

Carl's favorite mornings were the ones when Doofenshmirtz couldn't sleep, and was checking out his own profile at the same time as the intern. In these moments, Carl would use a special software that allowed him to view the scientist's screen, allowing him to watch as Doofenshmirtz moved the mouse and spell checked potential updates. It allowed Carl to view rough drafts that didn't quite make it, and potential changes that were eventually never saved.

Sometimes, Doofenshmirtz would play with the toggle that separated the "Interested in Women" option from the "Interested in Men and Women" option for four or five minutes. Doofenshmirtz always decided on the former, but spying on the internal struggle was fascinating. Carl was sad to see that the scientist wasn't online this morning.

At the very bottom of the profile in a text box of it's own was Carl's favorite sentence. Carl liked it because it could be both hilarious and insightful, and always unpredictable. This sentence changed nearly every week and was never the same twice.

When the profile had first been created, Carl had been shocked to discover the sentence "Must love platypuses" tacked on the end of the page.

He had been even more surprised to see it change to "Must hate platypuses" after his first date became an apparent disaster.

Every week Dr. Doofenshmirtz saw the need to change this final statement. Sometimes it was to reflect the outcome of his most recent encounter with a lady, sometimes it was to reflect his mood toward his nemesis, and always it was a fascinating glimpse at the evil man's psyche. Each Saturday Carl could hardly contain his glee as he wondered what the man would post this time.

"Must know a lot about platypuses."

"Must loathe platypuses."

"Must be aware of the existence of platypuses."

"Must not be disgusted by platypuses."

"Must not be affiliated with the ASPCA or any platypus rights groups."

"Must be willing have a meal with a platypus."

"Note: Must be willing to eat _with_ a platypus, not eat an_ actual platypus_."

Carl forced himself to look through the entire profile in order, rather than skipping to the end to check on his favorite part. Hmmm, there weren't many updates on this particular Saturday. Doofenshmirtz had added a quarter of an inch to his height, added "moon rocks" to his list of despised things, and added a bit more information on being from Gimmelshtump. Not a very exciting day. However, when the intern reached the end he laughed out loud. He had a new favorite entry.

"Must like platypuses, but not as much as I do."


End file.
